Johnny's "Pretty Heart"

Yesterday, Johnny got an echocardiogram and an EKG. He lay on the hospital bed in pediatric cardiology, his little chest hooked up to ten wires and a large machine, while the technician looked at images of his tiny five year old heart.  Johnny had to lay still for thirty minutes as we watched his heart beat and looked at all the intricacies of that magnificent organ. A little while into the echo, the technician declared, "You have a pretty heart."

Johnny didn't respond, but Frankie, our 6 year old, heard the words differently; he heard, "You are pretty hurt." His face creased with worry as he looked at me.  "Johnny is pretty hurt?" he asked.  It was a very normal worry for Frankie, as he continues to wonder why his little brother so often needs extra medical care. "No, Frankie," I responded. "She said that Johnny has a pretty heart."

Frankie's fear faded and he went back to watching the heart beat.  But, I continued to dwell on her comment. "No, Johnny does not have a pretty heart," I wanted to declare. "Johnny has a beautiful heart, an amazing heart, a heart full of love and wonder and joy." Like any mother, I see in my child so much beauty that I can barely hold in how much I love him.

But watching his heart beat on that screen, I realized again how much my heart depends on the beating of Johnny's.  How it would rip my heart out of my chest if his every stopped beating.  How scared I am when I face Johnny's medical concerns head on.  How much I try to ignore the very real medical challenges that he faces, to protect myself from the fear that I will ever lose him.  Watching his little body hooked up to all those wires, it was hard to ignore my fears.

As we get ready to move to Zambia, we are facing some scary choices. One of Johnny's medications is not available in Lusaka, and we have to decide if we will switch his medication to something unknown, or if we will take the risk of getting it safely shipped from the United States. As this particular medication needs to be refrigerated, there are many challenges to getting it safely to our home in Zambia. Do we try a different drug or do we stay on the same medicine, trusting that we will be able to get it safely? Deep within, it makes me sick to have to make choices that could affect Johnny's health in a negative way.

But this is where faith comes in again. There is a God who formed that beautiful heart. A God who called our family to Zambia. A God who is bigger than my fears. A God who loves Johnny even more than I do. And this is where I need to rely on God. To help us make this decision about Johnny's medication, to guide us as we choose new doctors, to calm us in the midst of our fears.

One of the reasons that we are going to Zambia is because we don't want mothers to lose their children, and we don't want children to lose their mothers. Loving my child is just a reminder that every heart beat matters, that every heart is a beautiful heart, that every heart is worthy of love and care.  So, please pray for our hearts, pray for Johnny's heart, pray for our decisions as we move forward.  And pray, as well, for the hearts of all God's children, that we may all find health and wholeness as we dwell in the love of an amazing God. And finally, please lift up a special prayer for mothers who have lost their children; for God's presence in the midst of that unimaginable pain, for comfort, for peace, for healing. Thanks for your prayers.